Dad is Fat
by Jim Gaffigan
Y’all. This book is HILARIOUS. Like I read passages out loud to my husband with tears rolling down my face hilarious. If you are a parent, or even if you’re not, it is a great, fun read. Here are some of my favorite quotes. (Note: I read an ebook version, so the page numbers might be off.)
- “[Having children] is an incurable condition, and I have it. Symptoms include constant fatigue, inability to sleep, and of course, extreme sleep disruption.” -p. 22-23
- “Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.” -p. 29
- “For me, parenting was literally a wake-up call from my own simple selfishness. In other words, I not quite as horrible as I used to be.” -p. 44-45
- (discussing newborns) “No matter what the weight, they say the same thing: ‘Oooh, big baby.'” p. 57
- “‘The Jets have asked for a time-out.’ Katie saw the quarterback talking to the coach and asked, ‘Why did he get a time-out?’ I thought for a second and then just said, ‘Because he didn’t listen to his daddy.'” p. 79
- “I don’t want to give the terrorists any ideas, but if I really wanted to cripple a city with biological warfare, my WMD of choice would have to be the toddler.” p. 82
- “If children equal noise, then having five kids is like living on a construction site. Noise from our children is a constant in our house. Silence is startling…There are different volumes of loud, and kids know their cues. If you can get a phone call, children intuitively know to speak louder, based on the importance of the call. If you are removing a toddler from a wedding or a funeral, they will understand they are supposed to scream…Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. That is why I usually look like I’ve just watched a horror film on a roller coaster.” p. 92-93
- “I explained what it was like having a fourth kid very simply: imagine you are drowning…and then someone hands you a baby.” p. 183
- “[Having children] is a sensitive subject and not really anyone else’s business…I don’t mean to get up on a diaper box, but individual liberties are all-important in this country…except when it comes to the number of kids you have or don’t have…So, no kids, one kid, five kids, or sixteen kids, I say we just live and let live. This is the land of the free and the home enough of the brave enough to have five kids. Judging other people says more about you than about the person you’re judging.” p. 186-187
- “I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life. I believe each of my five children has made me a better man. So I figure I only need another thirty-four kids to be a pretty decent guy. Each one of them has been a pump of light into my shriveled black heart. I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat. Well, it depends on how much hair.” p. 189
I also recommend Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up routines. He’s so funny and completely PG rated. 🙂
-KB
Words that mean something 